3 Powerful Communication Hacks You Need to Know
Lemme tell you a little secret…
If I were to do only one type of development work for the rest of my life, it would be relationship work.
Integrating our leadership and self-awareness into our relationships is by far the most powerful thing we can do. Unless you live under a rock or in a forest in the middle of nowhere, relationships, whether you like it or not, are the cornerstone of our lives.
If we don’t do this work, we rob ourselves of inner peace, growth, self-worth, love, authentic expression, integrity, and wholeness.
PERSONALLY, I’VE SPENT A LOT OF MY LIFE AVOIDING THIS.
Until I realized…
When I transform my relationship with one person, my whole world will change; how I see the relationship, what I do inside of it, how I show up in it, how I see others, and how I see the world.
Now before we get into this work, I want to clear one very important thing up: we all have limiting stories that source from certain people, especially those that we are the closest with. Just because these stories sourced from one person (in our perception), does not mean it is the other person’s fault. To fully move through them, we have to take full responsibility for them, or else it will cause collateral damage in every aspect of our lives.
For example:
During my childhood, I developed stories such as…
If I share what’s *really* going on for me, I’ll get hurt or blamed.
If I suppress my emotions, I won’t make waves.
I have to prove myself to be worthy of love.
These stories have shut me out of opportunities to be vulnerable, setting powerful boundaries, and authentically expressing myself without needing validation in return.
Can you imagine the damage this could do to my work? Much less my life?
If I didn’t heal the relationships associated with these stories, I would become the type of person who shuts down emotionally, is closed off to the world, believes my opinion doesn’t matter, is in a rat race trying to prove myself to others, tries to help everyone and never helps myself, and so much more.
Now in your life, if you can find those relationships that have hidden stories associated with them (they don’t even have to be big), believe me when I say your world will change from the inside, out.
This methodology changed how I see others, speak to them, my leadership, and the entire dynamic of my life.
Audit Your Listening
The most powerful way to transform your communication (with yourself and others) is questioning where you are listening from.
Are you listening from...
Judgment
Control
Fixing
Need for certainty
Need to be right
Blame
Guilt/Shame
OR
An open space
Pure listening
Empathy
Love
Compassion
Unity
Understanding⠀
IF you are listening from the top section, lovingly check yourself, and clear anything that’s in your way of showing up as the bottom section. For more on clearing, check out this blog post, and this Instagram post.
Hold Multiple Perspectives
When your need to be right holds more weight than your need to understand, something needs to change.
By doing this, you cut yourself off from opportunities to grow. If you are committed to growth, you also have to be committed to holding multiple perspectives, especially the ones that are the hardest to understand.
We often get stuck in our opinions, which cuts us off from healthy discourse, the foundation of a fulfilling relationship.cThis puts other people in a box, limiting what they can say around you, who they can be around you, etc.
It also puts you in a box, limiting who you can be friends with, your growth, your openness, your work, a thriving and diverse community, and your capacity to understand.
And if I know you, you want to be the type of person that is an open space for everyone, not just the people that agree with you. A space for someone to say anything, knowing they won’t get judged. A space for unconditional love. A space for freedom. A space for liberation.
Take Radical Responsibility
ERADICATE THE BLAME GAME. PERIOOTT.
Our default in apologizing is to say, “I’m sorry, but you ____,” or “I love you, but _____.”
Believe it or not, this is manipulation in disguise. You want to avoid doing this at all costs because it makes the person you’re speaking to feel like your love for them is conditional.
You may be asking, so when do I tell them what they’re doing wrong and how they’ve impacted me?
This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes you don’t. Part of this work is also “reading the situation” and seeing what’s really needed, rather than what your ego feeds off of.
If you truly believe that your ego isn’t in the picture, and you need to address something, it can wait for another conversation, I promise. I highly recommend having a separate conversation after you take responsibility for your end of the stick. This would be a boundary conversation, rather than an accusatory conversation… But that’s for another blog post.
Feel free to trust me or, learn the hard way.
Here’s a method that I use to have conversations when I am in the work of repairing a relationship.
Ask for Permission
First, ask if they have time to chat about where your relationship is currently at...
Take Full Responsibility
Apologize for who you have been showing up for them in the relationship that isn’t in alignment with who you WANT to be for them (reference #1).
Tell them what you DO want to have happen
What would be an ideal relationship between you two? Be specific. Paint a picture.
Your Commitment
What are you committed to doing moving forward? (only you)
Get their Opt-In.
Ask them what THEY envision for the relationship in the future. What does their ideal relationship look like?
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