How to Speak In A Room of People Who Don't Want to Listen
Listen, I’m all for freedom of speech, but if you consider yourself a leader (within your friend group, family, work, etc), this should most DEFINITELY be removed from your vocabulary (please).
“Unfollow/defriend me if…”
“You believe this”
“You’re a ___”
“You are voting for ____”
Why? The people we’re resisting are the people we have an opportunity to transform...
There’s a deeper meaning to our resistance that’s important to address and explains why we resist the people that don’t agree with us.
We don’t feel heard
Many of us have had childhood experiences around not feeling heard that we’ve brought into adulthood. What this can result in is a resistance to the people we think are not listening to us, which gives us an out to stay safe and comfy in a story we developed when we were little. Consider this: Their “lack of hearing you” isn’t their fault because it’s your responsibility to create their listening.
We’re afraid of rejection
Many people view rejection as a world-shattering tragedy. We forget though, that it can be one of our greatest teachers. Within rejection, there’s an opportunity to see the other side of the coin and get curious about why another person believes what they believe, why they see the world the way they see it, and why you see the world the way you see it, without putting meaning to any of it. Rejection challenges our default to put meaning to resistance and it’s a challenge to do better and to look at the places where we may be missing something.
We fear taking messy action
Even if you’re chillin with rejection, and you’ve worked through your fear of others not listening to you (if that’s there), something that may still linger is the fear of not getting things “right”; not saying the right thing, not showing up in the way you truly want or reacting. In this state, the mind predicts what is” going to happen” and gets lost in a land of “what if’s”. Don’t do this.
All of this resistance is resisting the potential of what could be. What is possible here is transforming how someone views a certain person, situation, or circumstance.
So, my argument here is to let everyone follow you and let everyone into your community; no matter their views, circumstances, or political preferences, OR continue to create division. It’s your choice.
As LEADERS, we have to learn how to speak to people in a way they can hear us so we can make an impact on everyone, not just the people that agree with us. We have to be the ones that can stand in a room where people don’t want to listen to us and it doesn’t impact our leadership.
Wanna become unshakable in the face of resistance and opposition? Let’s do this.
DROP EVERYTHING
The biggest mistake going into a conversation/post is going into it with the expectation that the other person(s) needs to change their mind. Consider they don’t need to be fixed, that they are perfect and whole human beings, and showing up in any other way for them is repellent.
This projects a sense of desperation, and when the other person feels that, you won’t feel heard, and you’ll step into a state of force or trying to control how they hear what you’re saying. So, before you make that post, or speak to that person, or do that presentation, drop ALL expectations, fixations, or need for a certain outcome... Let it go, forevvaaaaa.
If you’re coming from a place other than connection, relatability, and curiosity, your audience will turn off their ears. I’m challenging you to clear anything that isn’t those things.
Still resisting? Think about this: When have you ever listened to someone who was shaming you? Or trying to fix you? Or trying to force their opinion on you? Hmmm.
Come from curiosity, care, and humanity
Curiosity is in opposition to analyzing.
Care is in opposition to resistance.
Humanity is in opposition to judgment
If we can emit these things, as communicators, speakers, lovers, presenters, and leaders, we will change the lives of people we never thought was possible...
When I had my eating disorder, I wouldn’t listen to ANYONE that I thought was judging me. I was locked in a state of denial, stress, sadness, and isolation. I lived in a world thinking that no one understood me.
...Until Jack came into the picture. What made him different than everyone else was that Jack saw the humanity in me. He truly cared when I talked to him about what was real for me. And even if he didn’t agree with what I was doing, he got curious so could understand me. I slowly started put my walls down, open up, and transform myself out of my own willingness to grow because I felt seen, heard, and understood.
Whoever you're speaking to, regardless of how “difficult” you perceive them to be, if you truly see them, they will open up or open their mind because they will feel heard. We have been training ourselves to judge, resist, and fight for our entire lives so this may take practice, and you could transform yourself in a matter of a moment. Believe that.
Read the room and create the listening
Every situation is different, but there are a few things that remain constant.
Stand CLEAR from accusatory language and the blame game
Acknowledge both sides without guilt-tripping
State your point with genuine curiosity about what it’s like for them.
Outside of these principles, read the room and see what’s actually needed in your speaking, listening, and way of being. When you sense that they’re not listening, how can you adjust how you are being to create the listening for them? There’s no correct answer, and you’ll find yours when you’re in the arena of being in action.
If you take anything from this blog post, let it be this...
Ineffective leadership is when the audience creates how the speaker shows up.
Effective leadership is when the speaker creates how the audience shows up.
Remember: you are fckn powerful. Just like you have opinions because of certain traumas, other people are seeing through the lens of their trauma and experiences, which has nothing to do with you. If you implement everything and this blog post and “nothing is working”, consider that is okay. Let attachment and meaning go, let it be, sit with it, and use the feedback to be and do better.
Not being phased when someone doesn’t want to listen to us is a cornerstone of what we teach in Leadership Accelerator and your key to becoming a highly-impactful leader, communicator, and human.
Want more? This is nothin.
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