Relatability vs. Comparative Suffering And Why You Need To Know The Difference
One of the biggest blocks I see my clients trying to overcome is the inability to create relatability in the face of resistance.
Resistance can show up when…
Someone rubs us the wrong way
Someone is telling us we’re wrong
Someone is disagreeing with us
Someone is fighting us and stubborn in their own point of view
So we shut down. We also shut down the ability to listen, relate, and connect. We end up “listening” to the person from a closed-off or shut down space.
Ww also resist others in these ways, which inhibits their ability to listen to what we have to say.
So what makes us do these things if we know they get in the way of us connecting with others?
your ego : watch it :)
Connection is a human need, and, it’s easy to let our ego overpower our inner guidance to create it. Deep down, we know what is getting in the way of connection, but with (lots of) practice, we’ve become numb to it.
It’s also easy to convince ourselves other people aren’t worth our time, aren’t worth listening to, or aren’t worth trying to understand.
I get it. I spent years fighting who I was at my core and let my ego run the show and judging those who didn’t believe the same things as me. It took me 3 years of hard inner work to realize this wasn’t how I wanted to live my life.
These three principles were the key to shifting my resistance, flourishing in my relationships, and becoming the leader I’ve always envisioned myself to be.
RELATABILITY
RELATING TO SOMEONE MEANS DISCOVERING SOMETHING NEW FOR YOURSELF THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCE.
If someone is telling me a story, relating with them would look like shifting my mindset from “You don’t understand me” (or any other limiting belief) → “How can I relate to you?”
WE ALL OPERATE FROM THE SAME HUMAN CONDITION.
Unfortunately, many times we are too focused on our response, consumed in our own thoughts, or being right. Before we learn how to relate to others, we have to learn how to be in the listening for it. Before we learn how to listen, we have to get present to ALL that is being said, rather than the things that are easy for us to hear (myself included).
We have to ask ourselves questions like:
How often do I take the time and effort to truly relate the pain points of another human?
Where in my life am I not listening?
Where in my life am I resisting connections that are right in front of me?
What specific action(s) can I take to get present when I am not?
You may be thinking, “okay, well what do I say to the other person to make sure I understand them and I can relate to them??” Great question, and…
RELATING TO SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE EXTERNALIZED.
It’s up to us to discover what’s needed in the moment. Whether we express our relatability or not, the receiving person can sense whether we truly empathize with what they’re saying or not. The most powerful thing about relatability is that it actually, requires no words.
Sometimes, we just need to create relatability internally to disrupt the resistance we have within ourselves.
Other times, we need to listen, create relatability outwardly to remind the person that they are not alone, and find language that does not make them feel like we are minimizing their experience. Be careful of this.
There is no textbook way to effectively do this. We are not robots, so we have to get present to what’s needed in the moment.
My advice? Practice with the people who you find the most challenging to relate to only after you’ve practiced in the easier moments. It will take practice and time, but if you master this, you will be able to connect with anyone you meet.
comparative suffering vs. relatability
There is a HUGE difference between relating to someone and comparing your suffering with theirs. Know this concept in your bones.
Comparative suffering is when you look or listen to someone going through something challenging and minimize their experience compared to the rough time you have had.
Relatability to know that you will never fully understand what someone else is going through, and you can find aspects of their experience in an effort to show them that they are not alone. You are able to tap into the humanity in them.
Quarantine Regards,
Tay Lauren