How to Show Up Powerfully In Challenging Conversations
It’s not unusual if you’re finding it challenging to communicate with those closest to you, nonetheless communicate powerfully right now.
Many of us are letting our external circumstances affect the way we communicate.
Many of us are also projecting our frustrations and hardships on others.
THE PROBLEM HERE, LIES IN OUR EXPECTATIONS.
We expect others to handle grief, situations, and circumstances in the same manner we do.
We expect others to want the same things we do.
We resign, fight, and even better, try to piss others off so we can prove we’re right.
We expect others to affirm the beliefs we have about ourselves, our world, and others, and if they don’t they’re wrong.
We fail to realize that our beliefs are constructed the same way theirs were: through experiences, environment, and teachings.
People are not wrong for thinking something different than you. They simply have an opinion, just like you. When we realize this, we can tap into the world of another human being, and see the humanity in them.
In this blog post, I will teach you the methodology that has changed the way I see and interact with my clients, students, loved ones, and humanity.
check your integrity
Being in integrity with your values provides a clear roadmap for your personal and leadership development. If you can notice the actions/thoughts that prevent you from growing and you have your values deeply ingrained in the back of your mind, all you have to do is ask yourself what you need to do to fill the gap between the two:
Who are you being right now vs. who would you be right now if you were in alignment with your values?
During conversations, you can pause and ask yourself…
“Am I being who I want to be for myself?
“Am I being who I want to be for the person I am communicating with?”
If you answered no to either of those questions, ask yourself, what can I do right now that will make a difference with who I am being for the person in front of me?
When Jack and I are having a difficult/uncomfortable conversation, I am constantly in the inquiry of who I want to be for him. When I slip out of alignment with who I want to be, the conversation goes sideways. When I don’t, we always reach a mutual understanding and compassion for each other.
Who I want to be is: connected, empathetic, and loving. Those are my anchors. What are yours?
not that, not that
Anything that is outside of how you want to show up in the conversation, catch yourself and say to yourself, “not that, not that”. This is also known as the saying “neti neti” in Hinduism/Sanskrit.
“That” represents what isn’t in alignment with your values.
“That” represents your default way of being with others.
“That represents who you DON’T want to be.
“That” represents how you DON’T want to show up for people.
For example, if I’m in that conversation and I start resigning and not looking at the other person because I’m uncomfortable, I have to notice it, acknowledge it, and then say to myself, “Not that, not that”, and then change my behavior.
I love this quote by A World of Yoga: Hinduism,
“Neti-neti means "not that, not that." Whenever a thought or feeling which is not the goal of the meditation” (and or conversation, etc) “— that is, which is not the soul, the inner self — occurs to the mind, the meditator simply says, "Not that, not that," and dismisses the thought, image, concept, sound, or sense distraction."
Any thought, any feeling, is discarded — patiently discarded — again and again if necessary, until the mind is clear and the soul is revealed.”
Something that we have to get tapped into is that living consciously, if you will, literally means we are IN a moving meditation: observing our surroundings, listening, and getting present to reality.
In difficult conversations, there is the default of assumption, expectation, and reaction : all of which are not reality. When you assume something about someone, that is not what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING. When you expect someone to do something without them knowing, you maybe forgot that you didn’t INFORM them of the expectation? Ha.
Relatability and vulnerability
Developing the skill of relatability has been one of the most powerful skills I have developed thus far.
Why?
Because I am essentially roommates with 7.5 billion other people and when I am able to find a common ground of relatedness and empathy, conflict simply does not exist.
Some human defaults that are in direct opposition of relatability include:
comparative suffering
deflection
manipulation
passive aggressiveness
assumption
coming from emotion
rejection
resistance
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone that is only conversing with you for the sake of being right?
Now have you ever been in a conversation with someone that held the space for you to be completely vulnerable, without judgement, and formed a deep sense of relatedness with you regardless if they’ve been in your situation or not?
I hope you see the power of the difference between the two. In the second instance, you give people the opportunity to have their opinions, have their emotions, and have their experience. There’s nothing to change and fix about the other person. You are simply allowing them to BE, a luxury that many people do not have the pleasure of experiencing.
In a perfect world, the person you’re communicating with would be implementing these strategies as well, but many times, that is not the case.
Radical transformation starts with you. Radical transformation starts to spread when you do the work on the inside. People will begin to notice, and when they’re having a conversation with someone who does not resist, assume, manipulate, or deflect, they have nothing to push back on. THEY lose their power, and you keep yours.
Trust the process, and know it may take a long time to develop these skills. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried to implement these things and I went right back into my shell, my default. I went back to being comfortable. It’s a process of learning and discovery, not “getting it right”.
Gooood luck my angels, and please don’t hesitate to let me know how this goes, regardless of the outcome.
Quarantine Regards,
Tay Lauren