Things You Need To Know Before Your Next Difficult Conversation
BEWARE: This blog post may offend you... but I'm going to say it anyway. If you choose to read this, I challenge you to read this from a place of objective observation and critical thinking. What I am speaking to is based off of universal principles and can be applied to anywhere in your life.
Difficult conversations are a sensitive subject right now. We are all being hit with trauma, uncertainty, and chaos. It’s important to me that you are aware of your responses to these things and how you can show up more powerfully. None of these “responses” are “right” or “wrong”. I am not telling you how to respond, I’m inviting you to respond in a more powerful way so you can become the leader you’ve always envisioned yourself to be.
Throughout this blog post, I will be speaking to you from a place of principles and fact and giving you a dose of tough love where it’s needed. If I don't, I will state otherwise. I invite you to listen with the same energy.
We have experienced quite a lot this past year, haven't we? (opinion)
As a collective and individually, we have experienced fear, shame, guilt, and grief; giving us the perfect opportunity to live in a state of default and reaction. As you can imagine, this isn’t ideal considering the time that we are living in (opinion).
On the other side of this, it is now that we have an opportunity to confront the parts of ourselves that keep us in a state of delusion, especially with those we are having tough conversations with. Many have used their circumstances to become more conscious, and many have become less conscious.
If you are reading this, I know you are a leader that wants to transform the lives of others through the work you do and the people you interact with.
You cannot do that, though, if you're operating from a state of delusion or disempowerment.
That is what I want to talk to you about today, because I care about the lasting impact you make much more than your feelings.
YOUR ABILITY TO EMPOWER OTHERS WITH YOUR POINT OF VIEW LIES IN YOUR ABILITY TO EFFECTIVELY RELATE, SPEAK, LISTEN, AND EMPATHIZE.
Sadly, we resist this, because our default is to be in an egoic state. What we “need” is to manage our ego and become aware of when it get’s in the way of our ability to relate, listen, and empower (opinion).
The #1 factor that get’s in the way of this is thinking your opinion is fact or truth.
What I love about my teacher, Baron Baptiste, is that he doesn’t have a lot of fear around being wrong (at least from the outside). He is constantly discovering new things about himself/leadership through the people he teaches and the conversations he has with them. He is malleable within his principles and values (opinion).
If you're having a conversation with the intention of being right, rather than relating and empathizing with someone, you are the problem. Period. I know. But, "you're right", so this "doesn't apply to you."
Here's your wake up call, my friend. You are not right, you are delusional.
I've seen very powerful leaders during this time lose touch with the principles they know to be true because they are being put into a state of survival mode and are being confronted with trauma in a completely new way, including myself.
This is not bad or wrong. It is a natural human response.
Think about it...We have been quarantined for 7 months.
Many are losing their jobs.
Many are dealing with extreme racism.
Many are dealing with domestic abuse.
Many are dealing with depression.
Many are dealing with depression, racism, personal circumstance, losing their jobs, domestic abuse, being quarantined, and more.
And every single one of us..
Does not have the same access to human connection we did several months ago
Is being overwhelmed with uncertainty.
Is being called to make tough decisions.
These are human needs: connection, certainty, and stability. A disempowering response is only natural because our needs are literally being taken away from us, or they have been for a long time. We can choose to project our reaction on others, or respond in a way that empowers ourselves and others concurrently.
It's not a question of whether our response/projection is wrong or right, actually far from it.
It is a question of is our response disempowering or empowering?
How are you responding to the things you're dealing with?
How are you projecting that response on other people?
ARE YOU USING GUILT, SHAME, BLAME, AND FEAR TO GET WHAT YOU WANT? OR ARE YOU USING RELATABILITY, EMPOWERMENT, AND EMPATHY?
It's interesting. Some of the very people who are fighting against division are the ones creating it (Fact, and a paradox); whether that’s in a relationship, politics, world circumstance, etc.
The people who want unity, but still advocate for war. The people who want connection, but scream when they don’t feel heard. The people who have experienced loss, and in response, create loss.
Why? The more radical, and less rational they become, the more they slip into a state of delusion.
IN A WORLD FULL OF CHAOS, OUR ABILITY TO CHOOSE AN EMPOWERING RESPONSE (WITH OURSELVES AND OTHERS), IS WHAT GIVES US OUR POWER.
So... whether we are leaders interacting with clients, students, participants, or family members, the first step to highly-impactful and empowering leadership is deeply understanding how our belief system and trauma responses play a role in who we are trying to serve, persuade, guide, or communicate with.
And before you can deeply understand "it", you have to be conscious of "it".
Your ability to be conscious is the cornerstone of being a highly-impactful leader.
But what is consciousness anyways? You may have heard it in your latest self-help book and it said something like, "Our conscious awareness allows us to expand our aurora and become infinite beings full of love and light."
Lemme guess... You looked at the page like, "huh??"
I get it.
If you know me you know I laughed writing this. No shade, and many of these "woo-woo" concepts are not explained in a way where the average person who isn't fully immersed in a world of spirituality, can hear and listen to them. So let me explain.
“Consciousness...
Is the ability to hold multiple perspectives concurrently.
Is the ability to see the truth in every human experience and express its validity.
Others opinions only seem confusing if you're thinking about your own experience and are unwilling to open your mind to multiple perspectives without judgement.
When you set aside your ego and stop feeling personally attacked, you will see the truth clearly.” -Rachel Bell
We have all, at one point, used fear, guilt, and shame to motivate others into "doing what we want". If you're denying this, you're telling a little fib ;). It's NOTHING to be ashamed of, as long as we CHOOSE to do better in the future.
So, in your next difficult conversation, here a few universal principles I try to live by…
I cannot and will not influence others if we don't already know what influences them (and humans in general).
I cannot and will not influence others from a place of force.
My belief doesn't have to be their belief. Just as my environment shaped my world view, so were theirs.
What I think and what others think is not "right" or "wrong". It just is. Start thinking in the context of empowering or disempowering.
The things others say and do are filtering through their own set of beliefs, internal dialogues, stories, and experiences. What they say and do is actually not about you.
If you really want to go deep with this, I suggest writing notes on this newsletter and asking yourself the questions I have stated in relationship to your own life.
PRO TIP: Before I have a difficult conversation of my own, I write notes.
In those notes, I include:
Who I want to be for them
Who I want to be for myself
And a few bullet points of what I want to say/reminders to listen, relate to them, and then speak.
Please remember…
FEAR, GUILT, AND SHAME ARE TRAUMA RESPONSES. THEY ARE NATURAL RESPONSES.
But are fear, guilt, and shame going to get you what you truly want in the long run? Nope. If you believe otherwise, that’s your ego talking.
Fear, guilt, and shame are temporary motivators that produce reaction and temporary action.
EMPATHY, RELATABILITY, AND EGO DEATH PRODUCE RESPONSIVE, THOUGHTFUL, AND LASTING TRANSFORMATION.
When you are having conversations with yourself, your team, your audience, or those close to you, ask yourself, who are you really being for them?
Coming from this methodology will not only increase your impact, but it will transform the way people listen, see, and communicate with you.
Here are a few resources/spark notes to create that in real-time in your personal and professional life.
Resources:
The 10 Commandments of Highly-Impactful Leadership Pt.01
The 10 Commandments of Highly-Impactful Leadership Pt.02
The 10 Commandments of Highly-Impactful Leadership Pt.03
Feel free to come back to this blog post whenever is necessary.
Love you mean it,
Tay Lauren