3 Behaviors that Sabotage Self-Mastery (and how to solve them)
Whadddduppppp, loves! Long time, no see, huh? I wrote this pot of gold for my newsletter subscribers but thought that just for once, I’d give you a sneak peek of what I give to them every week. If you aren’t subscribed, click here to do that now so you never miss out on another one.
Nowadays, self-mastery is a buzzword that gets thrown around quite often; it’s a word that has flooded the vortex of entrepreneurs and purpose-driven leaders. We all say we want it, but when we start to get it, we retract into old behaviors and blame those that helped us get there.
We start saying yes to the things we know we need to say no to. We start saying no to the things we need to say yes to. We slip back into old patterns. We suppress. We hide. We convince ourselves that we’re doing the right thing, when really, it’s just the *comfortable* thing.
And the most insane part? There’s a part of us that tells us “this doesn’t feel right” not because it isn’t right, but because we’ve lost sight of what the Truth is and what actions will bring us to it. Of COURSE it doesn’t feel right…. You’re growing. We often forget that growth, no matter what emotions it requires, is a beautiful and profound thing that is necessary for the forward development of the human race. We forget that the level of mastery we carry within ourselves contributes to the whole of humanity, not just ourselves. But in the moment, it may not seem like that, so let me break this phenomenon down.
You see, every single one of us has been domesticated by our environment. We are masters at rejecting the parts of ourselves that bring us long-term fulfillment and growing the parts of ourselves that were developed through observing those closest to us go into unconscious coping mechanisms. We learned that these coping mechanisms were “easier” than doing what would support us in our growth so we continued on this path, thinking it was the “right” thing to do, but deep down, we knew it was easier. You could call this our“default state”, and we grow up thinking that our defaults or unproductive behaviors are “who we are”.
But here’s the thing… when we reinforce our identity, we lose access to being any other way.
That is where self-mastery comes in. In my eyes, self-mastery is knowing the “you” and the “not you” and having the self awareness that both are created by you. This is a good sign, because it also means that you can grow beyond the parts of yourself that you don’t actually want to be a part of you (which requires radical responsibility and acceptance). The integration and the letting go, ahhhh. :)
This is a little bit more advanced than we’re going to dive into in this newsletter, but it is the premise of the work I do with my students in Leadership Accelerator, (my 12-week mentorship program for growth-oriented humans) but in the meantime, I’ll be giving you the 5 behaviors that will get in the way of being in creation of yourself and your life and how to “solve” them.
You ready? Let’s get it.
Lack of Spirituality
Lack of spirituality is the umbrella to all of the behaviors that keep us limited. All roads lead back to: are we looking at ourselves in a way that is going to get us where we want to go? Or are we looking at ourselves in a way that creates more of the same?
But spirituality has a bad rep. Most people associate being spiritual with being “woo-woo” or spending time at a local sound healing center, but those people didn’t do their research or simply *forgot* about the spiritual leaders that have led our world to a better future -- Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King Jr, and but of course… Kanye West (jkjk).
Spirituality is the string that keeps us connected to something bigger than the world we live inside of our heads. It is what keeps us connected to our true nature, rather than our domesticated nature. When people or circumstances try to pull us out of integrity with what’s Truth, we know when we’re stepping over that line simply because we have a spiritual practice that keeps us in line.
The #1 thing my spiritual practice has taught me is to be purpose-driven, rather than problem-focused. Instead of immediately going into upheaval and reaction, I can access equanimity and proactivity on a much deeper level than ever before. This in itself has allowed me to dodge unnecessary suffering and dive deeper into the things I want and desire.
And when you refuse to be spiritual, you live your life letting false narratives run you, identifying with the parts of your personality that keep you limited. “I am” this, “I am” that.
We are meaning-making machines, and we let our subconscious rule our perception of ourselves and our experiences. If we don’t learn how to detach ourselves from this way of being, we can’t shed the parts of ourselves that are keeping us in the box we so badly want to escape.
Basic tips to dive into spirituality:
Meditate daily (10 minutes minimum and increase the time as you develop)
Journal daily (I write 3 pages every morning in a stream of consciousness and dump all of my thoughts onto paper.)
Read: The Mastery of Love, The Power of Now, The Four Agreements, The 5 Personality Patterns
Suppression
Suppression is the cause of all reactions. For example, when we suppress an emotion, instead of feeling it, we distract ourselves from feeling it and only end up feeling about 10-20% of what we need to… and the other 80% becomes a ball and chain that we carry around with us. So the next time that same emotion comes to the surface, it is 2x more triggering than the last because we never allowed ourselves to fully be in our experience.
It’s easy to assume that this has no real-life application, but what about when you raised your voice at your partner (when it actually wasn’t about them)? Or when you let that one circumstance affect how you live your whole life (and maybe you don’t even realize it)? Or when you have overly strong opinions because it’s your only way to compensate for not feeling ____ as a child? Or when you couldn’t express yourself at that job interview? Or when you were too scared to show up on social media?
See what I mean?
Basic tips to come out of suppression and into authentic expression:
Feel ya’ damn emotions. Whenever you feel an uncomfortable emotion -- set a timer for 10 minutes and feel it FULLY. No music. No distractions. Just you and that thing.
Address childhood trauma
Meditate 20 minutes a day.
Having An Empty Cup
After getting back from the most magical trip in Joshua Tree with ma’ incredible man, I realized the importance of living from fullness. In other words, I am committed to doing everything in my power to not feel depleted, drained, and worn out regardless of my circumstances. You’re probably thinking, “Damn, that must have been one good trip.” Yes, it was ;).
Before this trip, I was closed, in a nasty funk, not doing the things I knew I needed to do, was overwhelmed with thought loops, jumped to mental conclusions as a way to gain (a false sense of) stability, overwhelmed, reactive to certain energies, and drained. Yeah, not fun.
I got back from the trip receptive, eager to learn, filled with wonderment, and looking to possibility in all of the uncertainties in my life. I feel like an entirely different person. Seriously.
What I needed was a pattern interrupt. I needed something to JOLT my system and immerse myself in the literal fckng perfection of the world we’re living in.
Basic tips to live from fullness:
Ask yourself what patterns you’re stuck in that are creating a mundane and drained reality. Think about how you could interrupt those patterns and jolt your system. Get REALLY creative (you can still do this on a budget).
Set boundaries with people (including yourself) around things that are draining your energy
Discover what liberates you and go there often. Have multiple sources of outlets to keep you happy. Invest in a coach or mentor.
Alllrighttyyy… I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did, and if that left you craving more, consider joining the waitlist for LA {{CLICK HERE}} if you want to transform your entire life (seriously).